An open letter:
In retrospect, I am emotionally 14 years old. I've realized recently that I am a child in a woman's body and that is the reality of many of us unknowingly. My consciousness of this is a start and that's all I can process right now. My need for validation and being wanted has driven me into the arms of emotionally unavailable and ambiguous relationships; the opposite of what I desire. But knowing this, is a start. I am treated as only good enough for scraps and I've allowed it. Knowing this, is a start. I have dishonored myself in ways unconscionable. But knowing this, is a start. I've rejected opportunities for love and adoration because being treated half worthy has become a new normal. Knowing this, is a tragic start.
The flashes of suppressed memories and the 20/20 vision that I have of falling into the same pattern of behavior as when I was 14, has brought emotional angst. I often suffer with angst in silence to not appear weak. I've followed the voices of others that have led me in directions uncharted in the original plan God had for me. I've compromised in ways that are shameful and have been the worst friend to myself. I've painted myself in corners and have made messes beyond my ability to clean up. I've given others the power to damage my reputation and pray that they don't wield that power. I am an anxious 14 year old in a woman's body. This anxiousness has almost become tangible and is a driving force propelling me to run away and start a new life elsewhere. There are days when I wonder if I've cried more than I have laughed in my lifetime. I would like to change that.
There are times when it feels that I am damaged goods and no wonder love doesn't come to me in the purest way. I see younger girls and feel jealous that they have a blank slate and an unmarked heart. There are times when I wish very vigorously to start over again, beginning at 14 years old. The restitution of my mistakes have added up and those seeds have turned into weeds choking the bright moments. There are times when I label myself as being brave by accepting that I will be ok if I am alone, when really it feels like a punishment I deserve.
Lately, I've been feeling like I am one breath away from a panic attack. It was the fall of 2003, when I was watching TV in my room. Like jumping in the deep end of a pool, by breath felt like it was leaving my body and I could not catch it. My mom ran red lights to rush me to the hospital and with my increased panic with the fear of dying, what little breath I could catch shortened more and more. The weight of filling my heart with secrets is making it hard to breathe anymore. Now is the time to reach out for help. I know that the wonderful people in my life who love and value me cannot walk down this road to recovery with me. It is for me and me alone. I own my need to recover, my need to heal and my need to reform my behaviors. I own the ways I have dishonored myself and have disrespected others. I look to the hills for my Help.
This is a call to self-awareness because there are many of us emotionally stuck and this condition has cost us peace and wholeness. It has cost us a quality of life worth having.
To my 14 year old self: help is on the way. To my 32 year old self: take heart.
"When the storm is raging all around me, you are the peace that calms my troubled sea. When the cares of this world darken my day, you are the light that shines and shows me the way" - Leeland
Saturday, May 2, 2015
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
The Addicted Soul
This is one of those posts where I didn't know how or where to begin. So I'm turning my head off and my heart on. Let's talk about soul addiction. Something real and as deadly as any addiction to substances. First let's define what a soul is, not to be mistaken for our inner spirit.
Soul: Mind. Will. Emotions.
A soul untamed can be a driving force for self destruction. It's a shooting gun without a scope, a fishing line with no aim and moving vehicle with no destination. All which can produce either harmful, unproductive and unwanted results. What I think about most becomes what I will to do most. What I will to do most, becomes what I end up acting out. And continuing to practice in an soul untamed is as quicksand. Deeper and deeper you sink to the death of your soul. Your mind dies. Your will dies. Your emotions die.
A show I often watch is called Intervention and on this show, everyday people share their stories of addiction, often triggered by trauma from their past. A common theme I've noticed is that most of these individuals know the risks, know the harm and want to quit their addiction. So, then, what stops them? The road through withdrawal. By nature we avoid what causes us pain and gravitate towards what brings us pleasure, no matter how temporary. Over time, the body has become dependent on that substance and denial of it can cause extreme reaction. To avoid withdrawal, the addiction is continually fed. We keep drinking the poison to avoid the withdrawals of not having it.
With a soulish addiction, you have extreme highs and extreme lows. It's rarely ever balanced. No stability. That "thing" makes you happy one day and sad the next. The test of a soul addiction is when you have to let something harmful go that you know is hurting you but you feel the process of losing that thing isn't worth it even though you know it will hurt you even more. It becomes better to have that thing present because it has become such a part of you, you can't see past the anxiety of it's absence. An addicted soul begins to believe that what's right is wrong and what's wrong is right. It uses it's disability as an excuse and crutch. It adopts the victim mentality and doesn't accept the help offered. It believes that it's happiness is based on that "thing" and without it, happiness cannot be achieved. It holds on to the possibilities rather than faces the realities.
Even when the situation reads"Dead End", we keep going. I know I have. In a lot of neighborhoods you'll see a sign for some streets that say "Dead End". You can look as far as the road stretches and sometimes even see the ending of that road. But rose colored glasses can skew the view of that road and deceive you to think the sign isn't true. We do that with life. Worst of all, we do that with people. One day I had to reflect on how I end up in some of the same situations and it became that I have a habit of ignoring these signs or in denial that they exist. We see the signs that this road has a blunt dead end but because our wants get ahead of us, we continue down the road and become disappointed when it doesn't take us as far as we hoped. We plow through construction signs that say "Road Closed", "Under Construction", "Caution". But then are nursing wounds, a broken soul, when we hit craters that God meant to save us from. You headed down a road you weren't suppose to in the first place. You become emotionally attached to something that wasn't intended for you to. And because your mind is the driving force, tainted by skewed rationale, it propels your will. In turn, swaying your emotions like a flag in the wind. Sinking sand pulls you deeper and deeper into a depression. Then you become someone you don't recognize anymore. You make decisions and act in a way that is out of character.
Elevation and acceptance is the cure for an addicted soul. Addiction is selfish. It focuses on self and self fulfillment. The minute you look up to the One who is greater and worship Him instead of "it", the power the addiction appears to have over you weakens. It's not a one time act either. It's continual elevation. You can't have both elevation and a grip on a cement block. Both pull in different directions, so one direction must be chosen. One direction will give the fulfillment you desire and the other will give the illusion of it. Higher thinking promotes a will that directs our actions and choices in a healthy way. Often that thing we are afraid to let go of becomes insignificant in the scheme of the life we were intended to live. Acceptance says"Hey, this is not for me and I am ok with that. I will be ok without it". Acceptance is recognizing when something is not good for you, empty promises and all. That thing is a hot dog in comparison to the steak dinner being offered. It all comes down to a choice. A choice I have to make everyday. Some days are successful and others aren't. But that's the beauty of a new day, a new start. Letting go offers healing. Holding on offers hurt. You and I have been granted free will to choose, so let us choose life one day at a time.
Father,
Elevate our souls to see past the illusion before us and give us the strength we need to really let go.
Soul: Mind. Will. Emotions.
A soul untamed can be a driving force for self destruction. It's a shooting gun without a scope, a fishing line with no aim and moving vehicle with no destination. All which can produce either harmful, unproductive and unwanted results. What I think about most becomes what I will to do most. What I will to do most, becomes what I end up acting out. And continuing to practice in an soul untamed is as quicksand. Deeper and deeper you sink to the death of your soul. Your mind dies. Your will dies. Your emotions die.
A show I often watch is called Intervention and on this show, everyday people share their stories of addiction, often triggered by trauma from their past. A common theme I've noticed is that most of these individuals know the risks, know the harm and want to quit their addiction. So, then, what stops them? The road through withdrawal. By nature we avoid what causes us pain and gravitate towards what brings us pleasure, no matter how temporary. Over time, the body has become dependent on that substance and denial of it can cause extreme reaction. To avoid withdrawal, the addiction is continually fed. We keep drinking the poison to avoid the withdrawals of not having it.
With a soulish addiction, you have extreme highs and extreme lows. It's rarely ever balanced. No stability. That "thing" makes you happy one day and sad the next. The test of a soul addiction is when you have to let something harmful go that you know is hurting you but you feel the process of losing that thing isn't worth it even though you know it will hurt you even more. It becomes better to have that thing present because it has become such a part of you, you can't see past the anxiety of it's absence. An addicted soul begins to believe that what's right is wrong and what's wrong is right. It uses it's disability as an excuse and crutch. It adopts the victim mentality and doesn't accept the help offered. It believes that it's happiness is based on that "thing" and without it, happiness cannot be achieved. It holds on to the possibilities rather than faces the realities.
Even when the situation reads"Dead End", we keep going. I know I have. In a lot of neighborhoods you'll see a sign for some streets that say "Dead End". You can look as far as the road stretches and sometimes even see the ending of that road. But rose colored glasses can skew the view of that road and deceive you to think the sign isn't true. We do that with life. Worst of all, we do that with people. One day I had to reflect on how I end up in some of the same situations and it became that I have a habit of ignoring these signs or in denial that they exist. We see the signs that this road has a blunt dead end but because our wants get ahead of us, we continue down the road and become disappointed when it doesn't take us as far as we hoped. We plow through construction signs that say "Road Closed", "Under Construction", "Caution". But then are nursing wounds, a broken soul, when we hit craters that God meant to save us from. You headed down a road you weren't suppose to in the first place. You become emotionally attached to something that wasn't intended for you to. And because your mind is the driving force, tainted by skewed rationale, it propels your will. In turn, swaying your emotions like a flag in the wind. Sinking sand pulls you deeper and deeper into a depression. Then you become someone you don't recognize anymore. You make decisions and act in a way that is out of character.
Elevation and acceptance is the cure for an addicted soul. Addiction is selfish. It focuses on self and self fulfillment. The minute you look up to the One who is greater and worship Him instead of "it", the power the addiction appears to have over you weakens. It's not a one time act either. It's continual elevation. You can't have both elevation and a grip on a cement block. Both pull in different directions, so one direction must be chosen. One direction will give the fulfillment you desire and the other will give the illusion of it. Higher thinking promotes a will that directs our actions and choices in a healthy way. Often that thing we are afraid to let go of becomes insignificant in the scheme of the life we were intended to live. Acceptance says"Hey, this is not for me and I am ok with that. I will be ok without it". Acceptance is recognizing when something is not good for you, empty promises and all. That thing is a hot dog in comparison to the steak dinner being offered. It all comes down to a choice. A choice I have to make everyday. Some days are successful and others aren't. But that's the beauty of a new day, a new start. Letting go offers healing. Holding on offers hurt. You and I have been granted free will to choose, so let us choose life one day at a time.
Father,
Elevate our souls to see past the illusion before us and give us the strength we need to really let go.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
To my inspiration:
I met a politician, charismatic to a 't'
I remember our meeting, what a mistake it would be
I said "Hello Mr. Politician", as we shook hands
From that meeting, I thought you were an upstanding man
You had a knife in the left, so you shook with your right
Your speech as contrasting as the day and the night
You stepped up to the podium to make your speech
And won over your audience, no one could compete
You campaigned for two parties, the naive and the blind
You kept your campaigning secret, I would soon come to find
I said "Mr. Politician, which party are you loyal"
You said "You, my patriot, the other's a decoy so..."
You said "I'm not committed to the other party, we have no future",
Sounded like dishonesty
Your audience would roar with applause and cheers
Knowing inside you were deceiving their ears
But I would forgive you, Mr. Politician, for your faults
Though your pitch for my trust would become for naught
You start your days with a plan to remain amiss
And end your nights with the kiss of Judas
And here I stand, feeling like a fool
No one to blame but me, your muse, your tool
I turned on my radio, only to hear 'Rolling in the Deep', punctuated with my tear
"We could've had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside of your hands
But you played it, played it, played it, played it to the beat"
So Mr. Politician, I assure you
I won't tell the other party about the other you
So I'll kindly retract the ballot I casted
And pray for your heart, that you'll unmask it
I met a politician, charismatic to a 't'
I remember our meeting, what a mistake it would be
I said "Hello Mr. Politician", as we shook hands
From that meeting, I thought you were an upstanding man
You had a knife in the left, so you shook with your right
Your speech as contrasting as the day and the night
You stepped up to the podium to make your speech
And won over your audience, no one could compete
You campaigned for two parties, the naive and the blind
You kept your campaigning secret, I would soon come to find
I said "Mr. Politician, which party are you loyal"
You said "You, my patriot, the other's a decoy so..."
You said "I'm not committed to the other party, we have no future",
Sounded like dishonesty
Your audience would roar with applause and cheers
Knowing inside you were deceiving their ears
But I would forgive you, Mr. Politician, for your faults
Though your pitch for my trust would become for naught
You start your days with a plan to remain amiss
And end your nights with the kiss of Judas
And here I stand, feeling like a fool
No one to blame but me, your muse, your tool
I turned on my radio, only to hear 'Rolling in the Deep', punctuated with my tear
"We could've had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside of your hands
But you played it, played it, played it, played it to the beat"
So Mr. Politician, I assure you
I won't tell the other party about the other you
So I'll kindly retract the ballot I casted
And pray for your heart, that you'll unmask it
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Adam and Eve hold probably the most widely known Biblical story, whether interpreted as a myth or truth that changed the course of time and quality of life. I know it as the latter and is the most intriguing to me. God creates Adam. Adam needs help. God creates Eve. Eve puts a stupor on Adam. Adam eats the fruit aka "apple" and Eve opens the door for feminine turmoil. And the story plays out to this day. A while ago I decided to read their story again out of my insatiable curiosity and recently ran across notes I had written that reflect on what I saw: the perspective of [relationship] and the original intended function of relationships.
When most of us think of relationships and marriage, they're considered milestones. Something that eventually happens in life, whether expected or unexpected. Looking deeper, it is a spiritual matter. More than just a milestone, but a greater purpose. The error is in not knowing what that purpose was/is. God and Adam initially represented the blueprint of the function of [relationship]. Communication, co-opeartion and companionship. Adam and Eve represented the blueprint of the function of human to human [relationship]. Communication, co-operation, companionship and protection. Eve's role in the relationship was to protect Adam's purpose or assignment and I can prove it.
In Genesis 2, God gave Adam his assignment and that was to maintain the garden and name the animals (2:15, 19-20). Eve was eventually created to be a "helper" (3:20). It was after God gave Adam his assignment that Eve was created, why? Because it was not good for man to be alone (2:18). Why? Because man needed one of the benefits of relationship of which is protection and accountability. Once Adam got his assignment, he became a target and vulnerable to attack because God's will was for them/us to be fruitful and multiply (1:28). And as long as being fruitful and multiplying could be interrupted, the perpetuation of the Garden would cease. Eve was to help protect that assignment and provide accountability so that God's will could continue. Because Eve dropped the ball in playing her role, the resulting consequences played themselves out. Adam fell at the permission of Eve (3:6) - not to let him off the hook. She made an emotional decision based off of what she was told by the serpent. The woman was/is the gateway. If she wasn't, why would the serpent proposition her first? Women are moved by what they hear and men are moved by what they see. This is a clear example of human nature. It's easy to lose sight of or not have insight on the benefits of relationships. And this is not to say that the absence of relationship means that you are unprotected and unable to fulfill your purpose. It is merely an added bonus.
I'd like to think that we naturally gravitate towards relationships that make us feel protected in contrast to the opposite. It's wonderful to have all the good feelings that come with companionship, but on a greater level is the purpose of relationship. When we link together, we're essentially saying that we will provide a level of security and protection within the relationship. Otherwise, why bother? The reassessment of our intentions for relationship will produce what I believe would be more favorable, lasting results. More meaningful results, rather acting out of the fear of being alone or having a status. There are, of course, other factors that come into play when it comes to relationships and this is only [a] part. But on a long term scale, our roles in each other's lives could stand to be valued more. I've heard it said that men are the head and women are the neck that support and turn the head #POW!
When most of us think of relationships and marriage, they're considered milestones. Something that eventually happens in life, whether expected or unexpected. Looking deeper, it is a spiritual matter. More than just a milestone, but a greater purpose. The error is in not knowing what that purpose was/is. God and Adam initially represented the blueprint of the function of [relationship]. Communication, co-opeartion and companionship. Adam and Eve represented the blueprint of the function of human to human [relationship]. Communication, co-operation, companionship and protection. Eve's role in the relationship was to protect Adam's purpose or assignment and I can prove it.
In Genesis 2, God gave Adam his assignment and that was to maintain the garden and name the animals (2:15, 19-20). Eve was eventually created to be a "helper" (3:20). It was after God gave Adam his assignment that Eve was created, why? Because it was not good for man to be alone (2:18). Why? Because man needed one of the benefits of relationship of which is protection and accountability. Once Adam got his assignment, he became a target and vulnerable to attack because God's will was for them/us to be fruitful and multiply (1:28). And as long as being fruitful and multiplying could be interrupted, the perpetuation of the Garden would cease. Eve was to help protect that assignment and provide accountability so that God's will could continue. Because Eve dropped the ball in playing her role, the resulting consequences played themselves out. Adam fell at the permission of Eve (3:6) - not to let him off the hook. She made an emotional decision based off of what she was told by the serpent. The woman was/is the gateway. If she wasn't, why would the serpent proposition her first? Women are moved by what they hear and men are moved by what they see. This is a clear example of human nature. It's easy to lose sight of or not have insight on the benefits of relationships. And this is not to say that the absence of relationship means that you are unprotected and unable to fulfill your purpose. It is merely an added bonus.
I'd like to think that we naturally gravitate towards relationships that make us feel protected in contrast to the opposite. It's wonderful to have all the good feelings that come with companionship, but on a greater level is the purpose of relationship. When we link together, we're essentially saying that we will provide a level of security and protection within the relationship. Otherwise, why bother? The reassessment of our intentions for relationship will produce what I believe would be more favorable, lasting results. More meaningful results, rather acting out of the fear of being alone or having a status. There are, of course, other factors that come into play when it comes to relationships and this is only [a] part. But on a long term scale, our roles in each other's lives could stand to be valued more. I've heard it said that men are the head and women are the neck that support and turn the head #POW!
Friday, July 15, 2011
Even broken pieces of glass can be melding into something new...
John 6:12
A couple a months ago, I ventured to Ann Arbor to go someplace where nobody knew my name. I planned to visit a few sites while I was there and one of them was Ann Arbor Art Center. I eat art [nerd]. While I was there, the center just happened to be holding a glass molding/blowing demonstration. Glass manipulation [we'll call it] is something I have seen on TV but never in person, so I was geeked! The glass blower was a professional, of course, and walked us through the intimate details of making glass jewelry etc. So she transformed sticks of glass into beautiful yet fragile pieces. To see how fire manipulates the elements of the glass was amazing! What was even more amazing was how the fire made it easy to shape and mold.
I happened to be reading John 6 for some reason which tells the story of the miracle through the fish and bread and came across verse 12 which reads: "When they had all had enough to eat, he said to his disciples, 'gather the pieces that are left over. Let nothing be wasted'" This scripture hit me so hard and I immediately got the revelation that God does not like waste. Because God does not waste, he won't let even the broken pieces of our lives to be disposed of. When things work out and everything is copacetic, it's easy to live life. But it's when we experience change in our lives that cause brokenness, we have to really exercise trust with the left over or shattered pieces being restored to something even more beautiful. You often hear the adage about being tried by fire. Fire hurts but is transformative in nature. Often what accompanies change is a process that is painful. But the process is the fire that welds the broken pieces back together while God's hands shape and form the unrecognizable areas of our lives into something new. He is notorious for making something out of nothing. Trust that nothing in your life is in vain. Not even your pain. But that your process will bring someone else success.
2 Corinthians 1:4 (MSG) says "He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us." We go through to make it through. So if you're lost in 'Woe is Me-ville', just remember there is always someone tied to the end of your road who is at the beginning of theirs.
Nothing. Is. In . Vain.
John 6:12
A couple a months ago, I ventured to Ann Arbor to go someplace where nobody knew my name. I planned to visit a few sites while I was there and one of them was Ann Arbor Art Center. I eat art [nerd]. While I was there, the center just happened to be holding a glass molding/blowing demonstration. Glass manipulation [we'll call it] is something I have seen on TV but never in person, so I was geeked! The glass blower was a professional, of course, and walked us through the intimate details of making glass jewelry etc. So she transformed sticks of glass into beautiful yet fragile pieces. To see how fire manipulates the elements of the glass was amazing! What was even more amazing was how the fire made it easy to shape and mold.
I happened to be reading John 6 for some reason which tells the story of the miracle through the fish and bread and came across verse 12 which reads: "When they had all had enough to eat, he said to his disciples, 'gather the pieces that are left over. Let nothing be wasted'" This scripture hit me so hard and I immediately got the revelation that God does not like waste. Because God does not waste, he won't let even the broken pieces of our lives to be disposed of. When things work out and everything is copacetic, it's easy to live life. But it's when we experience change in our lives that cause brokenness, we have to really exercise trust with the left over or shattered pieces being restored to something even more beautiful. You often hear the adage about being tried by fire. Fire hurts but is transformative in nature. Often what accompanies change is a process that is painful. But the process is the fire that welds the broken pieces back together while God's hands shape and form the unrecognizable areas of our lives into something new. He is notorious for making something out of nothing. Trust that nothing in your life is in vain. Not even your pain. But that your process will bring someone else success.
2 Corinthians 1:4 (MSG) says "He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us." We go through to make it through. So if you're lost in 'Woe is Me-ville', just remember there is always someone tied to the end of your road who is at the beginning of theirs.
Nothing. Is. In . Vain.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Compromiso
"Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun..." Psalm 37:5
Recently I've recommitted to what I believe my purpose is and own up to the excuses of what I "don't have" to do it. I remember my mom telling me one day "you will have no excuse" because God has already given us everything we need. I was at the kitchen sink, washing out a pot when I happened to look up and see the S.O.S. Brillo pad box. There was a text box that stated "Environmental Commitment". Below that box was another text box with the Spanish translation of the above. The first word read "Compromiso". Whether you are able to read and understand the Spanish language or not, it is obvious that compromiso reads like compromise. I thought it strange that our English word commitment would be translated into it's equivalent in Spanish with what reads like compromise. You know how we use words but when we're asked the actual meaning, it's difficult to explain. The same goes for compromise. It has, in a sense, a negative connotation or sounds like you are giving up what's important to you for the sake of someone or something else. As if you are losing out. So I looked up the actual meaning of compromise and this is what I found:
1. Agreement reached by mutual concessions
3. To make vulnerable
Many times when we settle down enough to hear God's voice to find out how we can be used, we forgo the step of giving anything up or making "concessions" [yielding]. When we "commit" to God's purpose and will, we essentially "compromise", by making ourselves vulnerable [surrendering and giving over possession of our will for His]. God is saying "I am holding up my end of the bargain by providing provision", now what are you bringing to the table? What are you investing? When you commit to marriage, both individuals vow to bring something to the table in the deal. In every covenant made in the Bible, there was an exchange or a sacrifice to represent the commitment. To have faith, is to believe that your sacrifice in the spirit of your commitment to purpose is not in vain. God won't renege on his end of the bargain, but we do.
I have to admit, I have a couple of trash shows I enjoy watching that come on in the evenings. But I know that the evening time is the best time for me to be intimate with God (not a morning person). I know the call that's on my life and I also know that the more time I spend in God's presence, the easier it will be for me to make steps towards completing my assignment with as little missteps as possible. I have to wrestle with myself though and make a sacrifice of my time so I can be successful. One thing I am selfish about is my time. That's the biggest sacrifice I have to make. What sacrifice have you been protecting because you aren't ready to let go? If you haven't given something up, you aren't committing wholly. That will be the key to cure complacency.
The mark of a true sacrifice can be measured by the story of Abrahan and Isaac. Imagine your commitment involving your first born that you waited for painfully. I encourage you to read Genesis 22 to throw a log in your fire for God.
Definitions from: http://www.thefreedictionary.com
Recently I've recommitted to what I believe my purpose is and own up to the excuses of what I "don't have" to do it. I remember my mom telling me one day "you will have no excuse" because God has already given us everything we need. I was at the kitchen sink, washing out a pot when I happened to look up and see the S.O.S. Brillo pad box. There was a text box that stated "Environmental Commitment". Below that box was another text box with the Spanish translation of the above. The first word read "Compromiso". Whether you are able to read and understand the Spanish language or not, it is obvious that compromiso reads like compromise. I thought it strange that our English word commitment would be translated into it's equivalent in Spanish with what reads like compromise. You know how we use words but when we're asked the actual meaning, it's difficult to explain. The same goes for compromise. It has, in a sense, a negative connotation or sounds like you are giving up what's important to you for the sake of someone or something else. As if you are losing out. So I looked up the actual meaning of compromise and this is what I found:
1. Agreement reached by mutual concessions
| 2. | Compromise - an accommodation in which both sides make concessions |
3. To make vulnerable
Many times when we settle down enough to hear God's voice to find out how we can be used, we forgo the step of giving anything up or making "concessions" [yielding]. When we "commit" to God's purpose and will, we essentially "compromise", by making ourselves vulnerable [surrendering and giving over possession of our will for His]. God is saying "I am holding up my end of the bargain by providing provision", now what are you bringing to the table? What are you investing? When you commit to marriage, both individuals vow to bring something to the table in the deal. In every covenant made in the Bible, there was an exchange or a sacrifice to represent the commitment. To have faith, is to believe that your sacrifice in the spirit of your commitment to purpose is not in vain. God won't renege on his end of the bargain, but we do.
I have to admit, I have a couple of trash shows I enjoy watching that come on in the evenings. But I know that the evening time is the best time for me to be intimate with God (not a morning person). I know the call that's on my life and I also know that the more time I spend in God's presence, the easier it will be for me to make steps towards completing my assignment with as little missteps as possible. I have to wrestle with myself though and make a sacrifice of my time so I can be successful. One thing I am selfish about is my time. That's the biggest sacrifice I have to make. What sacrifice have you been protecting because you aren't ready to let go? If you haven't given something up, you aren't committing wholly. That will be the key to cure complacency.
The mark of a true sacrifice can be measured by the story of Abrahan and Isaac. Imagine your commitment involving your first born that you waited for painfully. I encourage you to read Genesis 22 to throw a log in your fire for God.
Definitions from: http://www.thefreedictionary.com
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Home Improvement
"...He refreshes my soul." ~ Psalm 23:3
My soul was refreshed today and it felt like the break of Spring, dawning from a long Winter season. Everything is fresh and everything is new. I have heard many messages about restoration and healing, but this time I walked out of the doors of the church and noticed that my anxiety lifted off my chest. I felt light. Forgiveness, as I have probably mentioned previously, doesn't just stop there. Sometimes there's residual feelings and emotions that you deal with. It can often be accompanied with the guilt of knowing you are a believer and "shouldn't" be mad at God because He didn't seem to avenge you or you shouldn't be angry for being betrayed or you shouldn't be sad because of what you believe you lost.
When I was riding home, I began thinking about how my process has been reflective of a home renovation. We represent a home where we allow people and things in and out. Over the years, homes sustain wear and tear. Furniture gets old, ceilings crack, and stains are left as a reminder of events that have taken place. There comes a time when carpet needs to be torn out, cracks need to be repaired, walls need to be repainted and the overall decor can stand to be changed to a new look. So I welcomed God to come into my home and begin renovating and during the process, it didn't look or feel good. As a matter of fact, it seemed that things got worse. Walls were knocked down and my wiring was tampered with. So I asked God, "What are you doing?? I thought you were helping me! All I needed was new furniture and paint!" He went into deeper areas of my home that I felt had nothing to do with what I could see on the surface. Several times I fired Him. Several times I rehired Him. I became worn from a process that, to me, was ugly. I threatened to move to evoke God to do what I wanted Him to do. I pushed Him out the way and said I would do it myself. I told myself that "it is finished". I convinced myself that my house is whole and no more work needs to be done, when clearly visitors could see otherwise.
My house is not fully renovated BUT I am further in the process. Today I welcomed God to continue the work he began in me (Phil 1:6). I let go of believing I can do it on my own and asked Him to do what He has to do to make me completely whole so I can truly welcome people in. I often remind myself about how the best teachers are the one's who have been in their field of work. The same goes for believers who desire to walk out their path and make an impact on someones life. Often we say that we want to be used by God, but don't want to go through what it takes to be used. What a better way to make an impact with having gone through the experience, than not at all. We have to live the message we preach. If I don't get through to the other side, I can't tell others how to. That's what's most important to me now and that's my motivation to get through my renovation process. And when it's all done, the results will be beautiful.
"Those that are in Christ should never let tragedy rob their victory"~ From the messenger who delivered a message that saved my life, Pastor Andre.
My soul was refreshed today and it felt like the break of Spring, dawning from a long Winter season. Everything is fresh and everything is new. I have heard many messages about restoration and healing, but this time I walked out of the doors of the church and noticed that my anxiety lifted off my chest. I felt light. Forgiveness, as I have probably mentioned previously, doesn't just stop there. Sometimes there's residual feelings and emotions that you deal with. It can often be accompanied with the guilt of knowing you are a believer and "shouldn't" be mad at God because He didn't seem to avenge you or you shouldn't be angry for being betrayed or you shouldn't be sad because of what you believe you lost.
When I was riding home, I began thinking about how my process has been reflective of a home renovation. We represent a home where we allow people and things in and out. Over the years, homes sustain wear and tear. Furniture gets old, ceilings crack, and stains are left as a reminder of events that have taken place. There comes a time when carpet needs to be torn out, cracks need to be repaired, walls need to be repainted and the overall decor can stand to be changed to a new look. So I welcomed God to come into my home and begin renovating and during the process, it didn't look or feel good. As a matter of fact, it seemed that things got worse. Walls were knocked down and my wiring was tampered with. So I asked God, "What are you doing?? I thought you were helping me! All I needed was new furniture and paint!" He went into deeper areas of my home that I felt had nothing to do with what I could see on the surface. Several times I fired Him. Several times I rehired Him. I became worn from a process that, to me, was ugly. I threatened to move to evoke God to do what I wanted Him to do. I pushed Him out the way and said I would do it myself. I told myself that "it is finished". I convinced myself that my house is whole and no more work needs to be done, when clearly visitors could see otherwise.
My house is not fully renovated BUT I am further in the process. Today I welcomed God to continue the work he began in me (Phil 1:6). I let go of believing I can do it on my own and asked Him to do what He has to do to make me completely whole so I can truly welcome people in. I often remind myself about how the best teachers are the one's who have been in their field of work. The same goes for believers who desire to walk out their path and make an impact on someones life. Often we say that we want to be used by God, but don't want to go through what it takes to be used. What a better way to make an impact with having gone through the experience, than not at all. We have to live the message we preach. If I don't get through to the other side, I can't tell others how to. That's what's most important to me now and that's my motivation to get through my renovation process. And when it's all done, the results will be beautiful.
"Those that are in Christ should never let tragedy rob their victory"~ From the messenger who delivered a message that saved my life, Pastor Andre.
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