An open letter:
In retrospect, I am emotionally 14 years old. I've realized recently that I am a child in a woman's body and that is the reality of many of us unknowingly. My consciousness of this is a start and that's all I can process right now. My need for validation and being wanted has driven me into the arms of emotionally unavailable and ambiguous relationships; the opposite of what I desire. But knowing this, is a start. I am treated as only good enough for scraps and I've allowed it. Knowing this, is a start. I have dishonored myself in ways unconscionable. But knowing this, is a start. I've rejected opportunities for love and adoration because being treated half worthy has become a new normal. Knowing this, is a tragic start.
The flashes of suppressed memories and the 20/20 vision that I have of falling into the same pattern of behavior as when I was 14, has brought emotional angst. I often suffer with angst in silence to not appear weak. I've followed the voices of others that have led me in directions uncharted in the original plan God had for me. I've compromised in ways that are shameful and have been the worst friend to myself. I've painted myself in corners and have made messes beyond my ability to clean up. I've given others the power to damage my reputation and pray that they don't wield that power. I am an anxious 14 year old in a woman's body. This anxiousness has almost become tangible and is a driving force propelling me to run away and start a new life elsewhere. There are days when I wonder if I've cried more than I have laughed in my lifetime. I would like to change that.
There are times when it feels that I am damaged goods and no wonder love doesn't come to me in the purest way. I see younger girls and feel jealous that they have a blank slate and an unmarked heart. There are times when I wish very vigorously to start over again, beginning at 14 years old. The restitution of my mistakes have added up and those seeds have turned into weeds choking the bright moments. There are times when I label myself as being brave by accepting that I will be ok if I am alone, when really it feels like a punishment I deserve.
Lately, I've been feeling like I am one breath away from a panic attack. It was the fall of 2003, when I was watching TV in my room. Like jumping in the deep end of a pool, by breath felt like it was leaving my body and I could not catch it. My mom ran red lights to rush me to the hospital and with my increased panic with the fear of dying, what little breath I could catch shortened more and more. The weight of filling my heart with secrets is making it hard to breathe anymore. Now is the time to reach out for help. I know that the wonderful people in my life who love and value me cannot walk down this road to recovery with me. It is for me and me alone. I own my need to recover, my need to heal and my need to reform my behaviors. I own the ways I have dishonored myself and have disrespected others. I look to the hills for my Help.
This is a call to self-awareness because there are many of us emotionally stuck and this condition has cost us peace and wholeness. It has cost us a quality of life worth having.
To my 14 year old self: help is on the way. To my 32 year old self: take heart.
"When the storm is raging all around me, you are the peace that calms my troubled sea. When the cares of this world darken my day, you are the light that shines and shows me the way" - Leeland
